Congratulations on your purchase of Trident D5 Submarine Launched Ballistic Missile (SLBM) System. You now possess the ultimate independent nuclear deterrent that will give you many years security against nuclear blackmail, enhanced bragging rights in NATO plus continued sinecure on UN Security Council.
Trident SLBM requires installation on large nuclear powered ballistic missile submarine (SSBN) that is capable of staying submerged in designated patrol area within 7,000 miles of all potential targets for up to three months at a time. SSBN must be stealthy enough to be undetectable by enemy surface, aerial or underwater search. We recommend purchasing four such vessels (not included in original missile package) to ensure 24/7 coverage. You can purchase SSBNs from BAE Systems Marine at around £6bn apiece. You will further need to install submarines at a deep water anchorage with direct access to Atlantic Ocean and proximity to what remains of Arctic ice cap.
- CAUTION: Siting submarine base in Scotland may result in total loss of facilities when cantankerous Scots Nationalists kick you out post 2014, by which time all capability at alternative base, Devonport, may have disappeared.
For best results and problem-free ownership, Trident/Vanguard system requires regular and careful maintenance. Each submarine will require two year (oh all right, three year) refit every decade of service at a cost of £500m (oh, all right, £750m) a time. Altogether, owner is advised to set aside between £1.5bn and £3bn a year for running costs.
- NOTE: Failure to maintain system adequately may void warranties (and lead to some rather nasty nuclear reactor accidents).
Submarines have maximum service life of 25 years, after which complete replacement is advised at further cost of £30bn (oh all right, £50 billion. Or so.).
Using Trident D5
Extreme caution should be exercised when attempting to use Trident D5. Owner is advised to pay particular attention to:
- Actual enemy threat
- Level of actual deaths likely to be caused by use of Trident D5
- Enemy retaliatory capability
- Effect on world opinion
Before making Trident D5 ready for launch, owner should be clear about actual nuclear scenario involved.
System was originally designed in early 1980s for use in last resort (aka “Oh, Sweet Jesus “) scenarios where swarms of incoming Soviet ICBMs are about to obliterate all major UK cities/ports/airbases (and/or Warsaw Pact Forces have reached Channel Ports) and you wish to take Moscow/Kiev/Leningrad/Minsk/Kharkov with you when you go. However original use scenarios have become problematic since:
- Soviet Union and Warsaw Pact no longer exist
- Minsk and Kiev are now in different countries entirely
- Leningrad has become that lovely St. Petersburg where you went on your cruise last summer and
- most Russian ICBMs are probably rusted solid to inside of their silos
This means Trident owner needs to consider alternative scenarios to justify possible use.
Scenario 1: It’s Them Again
Trident D5 provides optimum deterrence against renegade Russian leader with penchant for strutting around bare-chested and practicing judo throws on his cabinet ministers and the possibility he might decide to take back Eastern Europe, just to prove he’s every bit as manly as Josef Stalin. However, use of Trident in this situation may prove counter-productive since, whatever state of Russian missile forces, they still have lots more than we do and nuking Moscow might upset them a bit,
Scenario 2: No, It’s Those Loonies Over There
Trident D5 may also be adapted to counter potential threats posed by swivel-eyed Iranian mullahs and/or chubby North Korean despots with nuclear weapons and habit of threatening to expunge Israel/Great Satan/Imperialist Roaders in Seoul. However, total thermonuclear obliteration of Tehran and/or Pyongyang causing over a million deaths may seem disproportionate response to small atomic warhead exploding somewhere near Guam, Tel Aviv or Diego Garcia.
Scenario 3: Who the Hell Was THAT?
Most likely scenario is for UK to wake up one morning to find that container shipped in via Tilbury was actually nuclear weapon and that 49 square miles of Essex is now irradiated disaster zone.
- Case 1: If terrorist nuclear weapon shipped with delivery note, owner is advised to consult “return to” address as guide for setting target co-ordinates.
- Case 2: If terrorist attack was anonymous, owner could attempt setting target co-ordinates for centre of Somalia or Waziristan, depending on current intelligence dossier availability. (IMPORTANT NOTE: Case 2 action likely to provoke strong tutting noises from fellow members of Security Council, Catholic Church, Arab League, Stephen Fry, etc.)
- CAUTION: Any attempt to deploy Trident D5 in Scenarios 2 or 3 may lead to indictment by International Court of Justice in the Hague for “crimes against humanity” due to system’s inability to kill less than 100,000 people per single use.
Disposal and Recycling
Consider the Environment: Trident D5 owner is urged to behave responsibly at end of system life. Since most components of the missile and associated nuclear submarines are highly toxic and/or radioactive, this will mean a small army of operatives wearing protective suits and felt slippers dismantling things extremely cautiously for a very long time plus adequate long term storage facilities in which some materials may left to cool down for the next 1,800 years. Owner is advised to allocate a further £5 bn for decommissioning. Oh, all right, £8bn.